It was the worst of times, it was the BABY-est of times. The Supreme Court had become dominated by justices that could only be described by The New York Times and comparable news outlets as, “very young.”
The babies came in all shapes and sizes– one was very chubby and brown while another still was not-so-chubby and female. In fact, the only thing that could be said for certain about these babies was that they were radicals.
Indeed, three babies had been selected due to their anarcho-capitalist leanings. Elsa Thompson, for example, secured her position on the court after the right-wing media darling became an Internet sensation when a viral video of the twenty-month-old depicted her stance on the homeless. “Gedda job you bum!” the toddler had struggled to articulate as she threw a handful of pennies at a sleeping homeless man.
On the other hand, four of the baby justices were adamant supporters of labor unions, civil liberties and industrial regulation. In fact, the senior “baby justice” (as the younger justices have since been described by “comedic” productions such as SNL and Conan) was quoted, joking, “I wish [the protections the court established over a woman’s right to choose circa Jane Doe v. Alabama and Jane Doe v. Missouri] had been in place just four years ago. Maybe, I wouldn’t be in this godforsaken position,” referring, of course, to the hypothetical possibility of his own abortion.
Though the impetus for their fame and political personas were consistently orchestrated by their parents, no one seems to mind that the babies act as puppets. In fact, no one seems to mind that these babies had never practiced law prior to being appointed to the highest court in the land. All that matters was that the babies were known for their hard-line stance on the issues that mattered to the people: gay marriage, abortion, guns, schools, guns in schools, pornography, pornography in schools, guns in pornography set in schools, and free speech.
Reflecting on how such a court could come to be, Harvard Professor of History, David Armitage, recalled, “It was sudden, really. All it took was the affirmation of Justice Barron Trump for the administration to realize the power they could secure could last more than mere decades. Scores of years will pass before Justice Trump leaves his seat, and I think that changed things.”
The evolution of the court was quick. By the time President Winfrey left office, the court resembled its current state with one notable exception: Justice Petunia “Baby Petunia” Olsen. Indeed, Justice Thomas “Tommy P.” Pope (4), Justice Charles “Chuckie” Fraser (5), Justice Baby “Adult” Smith (7), Justice Neil Patel (3), Justice Elsa “The Rock” Thompson (4), Justice Tupac “Freedom” Jones (3), Justice Barron Trump (22), and Head Justice Ruth “The O.G.” Ginsberg (97) had each been on the court when Justice Baby Petunia was appointed to her position to replace baby Elsa,
who had passed suddenly from SIDS.
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.
Written in 2018. RIP RBG, why would you do this to us